[中/EN] 幼稚與成熟的愛/Childish vs. Mature Love and Relationship
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為什麽我愛你，不能夠讓你明白？
這大概是我們聽得最多的對愛的疑問了。沒有什麽比愛更美，更令人著迷也更令人挫敗和困惑不解的了。愛是最能牽動著我們理智與情感的事物，不管是悲傷還是快樂的。
那如何去獲得和付出愛呢？
這是每個人都需要不斷去尋思和探索的命題。它不簡單，但也絕對沒有我們想象中的那麽難。
依照自然界最廣泛適用的定律：要想獲得和掌握一樣東西，我們得先從了解其開始。要想破解愛的密碼，我們就必須先了解愛的密碼學。我會幫助此刻正在閱讀的你踏出愛的第一步，在這裏介紹兩種截然不同愛的形式和表現。
只有掌握了成熟和幼稚的愛的不同，了解愛這門藝術後，我們才能具備愛人的能力，真正地去愛一個人，而不是再在一段段失敗的感情中困惑不解。
區別一：
幼稚版：沒辦法，他又不是那個“對的人”。
成熟形：很抱歉，我還不夠成熟和具備愛人的能力。
產生這一問題的本質是，大部分人認為愛的問題根源是愛的對象而不是愛的能力，愛其實很簡單，困難的是找到愛或者被愛的對象。
但事實卻恰恰相反，要想獲得愛必須自己發揮主觀能動性去了解和學會愛，以具備愛人的能力，從自我毀滅性般的力量中救出自己，而不是等待“那個人”的出現來讓自己變得完整。
在人格健全發展（成熟）的道路上沒有捷徑，也沒有人能真正幫助你完成這一艱難過程，即使是你的伴侶。就算伴侶/親密關系能夠暫時幫助我們緩解無法逃避的恐懼和疼痛，但真正的克服卻需要我們下定決心去完成。就如心理醫生無法療愈不想自我治愈的病人，健身教練無法幫助沒有下定決心鍛煉的學員減脂。
區別二：
幼稚版：總是想向對方展示自己最好的一面，對伴侶與自己存在的問題卻避而不談或避免產生正面交鋒。就如拍照時總是在尋找最佳的角度那樣。
成熟形：能夠最大化誠實地面對自己與伴侶，並在客觀現實的基礎上通過持續開誠布公的交流和認識中加深對彼此的愛。不管多殘酷、多麻煩或者多不吸引人。
真正成熟的愛建立在彼此信任、了解、誠實、寬容、相互獨立的客觀現實上，而不是在充滿不安、懷疑、謊言、捆綁的情緒中。愛是一種積極的，賦予人力量和希望的活動，而不是被俘虜的情緒。
區別三：
幼稚版：在性交合後無法正視自己和對方，心底只希望對方能馬上離開。因為沒有人想要和一個不愛的人分享自己最私密的睡眠時間，更不用說抱著對方入睡這樣親密的行為了。
成熟形：在性交合後覺得離真正了解對方更進了一步。因為帶著愛和溫柔的性愛讓兩人暫時完成了自與母體分離後的“結合”，使得兩人的距離和與世界間的隔絕感減少了。
人最初出現在母體中是與母親一體的，是完整的。自誕生後我們需要去面對自己是被分離的、孤獨的、不完整的事實，並不斷地克服這種客觀存在的孤獨，以擺脫孤獨的監禁。
性縱欲是現代社會一種最常用且暫時有效的緩解方法。但是需要註意的是，如果對性交合的對象沒有愛，即無法與對方通過性完成“結合”，那麽事後這種孤獨和恐懼感會更強烈地向自己襲來。而我們只能不斷地重覆此步驟去暫時性地減輕這種孤寂感，是謂“上癮”。
區別四：
幼稚版：無法接受伴侶與他人交談時露出了比與自己交談時更開心的笑臉。
成熟形：愛伴侶的同時也透過伴侶愛身邊的所有人，包括自己。
博愛是一切形式愛的基礎。倘若你能夠愛身邊的每一個人，那自然麽你也會懂得去愛自己，愛你最親密的伴侶。而自愛是檢驗博愛的一個很好的標準。一個不愛自己的人根本無暇顧及愛他人。
倘若真正體會到了博愛與自愛的含義，那麽你自然會給予自己和伴侶足夠的空間相互成長和發展，而不是在企圖控制對方的過程中失去自我的獨特性與完整性。
通俗一點來說，愛首先是“給”而不是“得。”且其先決條件是想要與對方建立一種深層的、真誠的聯系，而不是單單地把對方當成被幫助或者被愛的對象。愛使兩個獨立的個體跨越了彼此的鴻溝從而結合到一起，使自己與世界的隔絕感和孤獨感逐漸減弱。
就如花代表純潔的愛一樣，成熟的愛猶如果實般沁人心脾。成熟的愛使兩人結合卻保留著自己的完整性和獨特性，同時也能夠忠於對方和自己。其最具體可以表現在他是否相信自己對另一個人的愛可以喚起對方愛的回應。如果沒有，則代表著他的愛仍然是不成熟的、軟弱的，是一種不幸。
在愛情裏，“給”意味著“得”，你在給予對方愛的同時也收獲了愛一個人的喜悅和勇氣，那種生機勃勃的感覺猶如無價的財富。就如創作者在獲知接收者能從其作品有所收獲後產生了新的創作能力，心理醫生在治愈病人時也治愈了自己。
愛並不是性滿足的產物，更不是我們抵禦孤獨和逃避自我的避風港。愛是關心，是責任心，是認識和尊重。
關心是出於愛一個人自發產生的積極的欲望本能。而責任心更不是一種義務，是一種自發性的對他人的關心。我們只有認識一個人，才能夠客觀地了解他的真實形態並在愛中了解他的本質，而不僅僅是停留於自己的迷戀和幻想之中。尊重一個人則永遠是建立在認識和了解對方的基礎上的。
成熟的人可以很好地結合運用以上四個要素。在目睹了幼稚的愛對自己與他人的剝奪、放縱、傷害後，他們克服了自己的自戀、依賴與無知，用謙恭、理智和自信的力量去全心全意地創造愛。
Why it’s so hard to make you understand the fact that I love you?
This may be the most typical FAQ we have seen for love. There is nothing could be more beautiful, charming but also the most frustrating and mysterious thing than love in theworld. Love affects every sense and sensibility deep down us, no matter happy or sad.
How do we attain and give love?
This is an ultimate question for human beings that we should devote to think and explore. It’s not easy but it’s definitely not that hard.
Let’s start with the most original and natural way; if we want to attain and master an object, we need to know it first. To make ourselves able to decode the code of love, we need to learn and know the cryptography of love first. I will help you to start the firststep, introducing twodifferent loves here.
Only if we understand the difference from a childish and mature love, know the art of loving, we are capable to love a person instead of being frustrated and puzzled about everyfailed relationship.
Difference no.1:
Childish: Well, he is not the right one, it’s not my fault.
Mature: I’m sorry, I’m still not mature and capable enough to love a person.
The nature of this problem is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love/to be loved by is difficult.
Unfortunately, the fact is quite the opposite. Capable of loving requires us to know and learn to love initiatively as the beginning. We need to salvage and complete ourselves before the self-destruction comes or he shows up.
There are no short-cuts to the wholeness and that other people, including their romantic partners, cannot perform the hard work of integration for them. Even the partner/relationship could help us to ease the inevitable fear and pain transitorily, we need to be determined to overcome it ourselves.
For example, the psychologist could not heal the patient if he’s not prepared for the cure. The fitness trainer could not help their students to lose weight if they are not determined to do it.
Difference no.2:
Childish: Only want to show the strength and capacity of themselves but ignore the problems of themselves and their partner. Like the scenario when taking a picture, they are always on the way to find the best angle to do it.
Mature: Be honest with themself and their partner to the uttermost, strengthening their love by open and sincere communications and knowledge. They are rooted in reality, regardless of how cruel, complicated, or unattractive it appears.
Mature love is founded on trust, knowledge, honesty, tolerance, independence and reality; not a world full of anxiety, suspicion, lies, criticism and bondage.
Love is an active, not a passive effect. It is a‘standing in,’not a‘falling for.’
Difference no.3:
Childish: Disable to face their heart and the sex partner after the sex activity. It would be perfect if the sex partnersuggests leaving on their own immediately. Nobody wants to share the intimate sleeping time with a person they don’t care, not to mention the intimate behavior of cuddling each other to sleep.
Mature: Feel more connected and intimate with each other after sex. The erotic love with love and tenderness makes two people fused again after the born and separateness from the body of their mother, which helps to reduce the separateness and aloneness with the world and each other.
We feel complete and secure when staying on the body of our mom. But after the born, we need to face the reality that we are separate, alone, and incomplete in this world.
The deepest need of a man, is to overcome his separateness to relieve himself from the prison of his aloneness. One way of achieving this aim is the sexual orgiastic solution, it’s natural and efficient in modern life; but if we overuse it to relieve from the separateness, it will result in an ever-increasing sense of separatenesssince the sexual act without love never bridges the gap between twohuman beings, except momentarily. It’s transitory and periodical, like an addiction.
Difference no.4:
Childish: Will be tortured if their partner looks happier when talking with others than talking with themselves.
Mature: Love their partner and they also brotherly love everyone including themselves.
The brotherly love is the most fundamental kind of love underlying all types of love. Love of one person implies love of man including himself as much. And Self-love could be a productive standard to examine if an individual love brotherly. If he can love only others, he cannot love at all.
Once he understands the implication of brotherly love and self-love, he will surely give space to their partner and themselves to grow instead of attempting to control others with the loss of their integrity and individuality.
Generally, love is about‘giving’instead of‘receiving’, provided they don’t just treat each other as objects to love or help, but are related to each other in a genuine and productive way.
Love is an active power in man, a power breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness.
Just as flowers represent pure love, mature love is a pleasant and refreshing fruit.
Love fuses two individuals. It permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity and individuality, and be loyal to each other at the same time. More specifically, that is, he believes in his love could produce love and make himself a loved person. If not, his love is still immature, weak, a misfortune.
In love, giving means receiving, you receive the joy, the strength, the aliveness, the wealth. Just like the creator has developed a new creative ability after learning that the recipient gets inspired by his work, the psychologist healed himself when cured the patient.
Love is not an outcome of mutual sexual satisfaction, not even a haven of aloneness and self-escape.
Genuine love implies care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. The concern comes from our natural instinct to love a person. And responsibility doesn’t denote duty but an entirely voluntary act to express your care and concern to another individual. Only if we know a person, we could understand the real him and his nature objectively instead of staying on the illusion and infatuation. Lastly, respecting a person is always rooted in the reality of knowing a person.
A mature and integrated person is able to use these 4 elements of love productively. Witnessing the deprivation, indulgence, and hurt that the childish love did for themselves and others; they overcome the narcissism, dependency, and ignorance; and has faith in his humility, reason, and confidence to create love with his whole heart.
INFJ原创公众号：Water森
Watson 2020-05-20 22:38:39
https://www.douban.com/note/763382227/?_i=1263121kYwAxIW
